Six months

I can't believe it has been two months since I wrote my last blog post. I think it has been a conscious decision really, I haven't really felt up to writing recently. I know initially I said this blog was a way of helping me work through all my feelings of grief, but actually, recently I haven't wanted to share those feelings. Which is unlike me. So I understand why loads of people don't want to, and keep the feelings hidden within. It is a lot easier that way, especially when you are struggling.

I think I am writing again now because even though I have gone through a bad time I know that now I am coming out the other side. Lots has happened since I last wrote, lots of firsts - we had a first Easter, first one of Lauren's birthdays, first family wedding, first one of Nana's birthdays (Dad's Mum) and our first funeral.

The latter by far was the hardest. I think probably it is the hardest thing Mum and I have had to do since Dad died. It was our friend who so sadly lost her battle with cancer. I think, at Dads funeral, we were in such a state of shock, and in such a bubble that you couldn't really take it all in, but here we were so acutely aware of the family's feelings, and knowing how much it hurts that that hurt us too. Empathy is a very powerful emotion.

It has now been six months since Dad died. I can't believe it - it has gone so quick and yet feels like so long ago - like I said, so much has happened. I think it is almost getting harder in a way as the days pass - I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't here. I know that sounds really strange, although those of you who have been through it will know what I mean. Your mind just wanders while doing the most mundane things, for example I was watering the garden this morning (which is looking so beautiful by the way - maybe there is some of Dad's green-fingered-ness in me somewhere!) and I thought of how much he would love how it was all growing, but then you have to check yourself and almost re-remember that he isn't here anymore. It is the acceptance thing - you just don't really want to accept it, and you can't quite fathom that you aren't ever going to be able to have another conversation with him.

I think it hit me like a complete bolt out of the blue when I was returning from the funeral - I think that's why I have been so quiet lately, it was almost like I was having to start the grieving process all over again. And that has been really tough.

So I may write more, but I may not, I don't know. I don't want to 'have to'. I think it has been good to express things, and I think it has helped me in a way, but what I am learning is that there are times when it isn't so good to talk, and those emotions need to be worked through with yourself. But I do know it is going to take a while, and like I have said before, those waves keep on coming and you may feel like you are drowning, but then they subside and you can catch your breath again.