First birthday

It was my birthday yesterday. Not my first birthday you understand! But obviously, my first birthday without Dad.

Birthdays are always a reflective time - I usually look back over the last year and think about what I have achieved, and what has changed within that time. This year obviously I have had a lot more to think about than others.

I haven't really been looking forward to it to be honest - it has been another of those things that I have just wanted to 'get out of the way', and now it is done I am quite relieved. Actually, I don't know if that is the right word to use. I don't actually feel relieved - I feel kind of nothing. I had a few tearful moments throughout the day but now I just feel a bit numb.

Over the years I have always spent some point of my birthday with my parents - they usually come and take us out for a meal, or babysit the kids while me and Greg go out. I made a concerted effort to spend my birthday this year doing happy things with people I love dearly but I guess it still felt quite empty.

However, the main thing I was dreading hasn't actually happened yet.

The card. The card from my Mum - the absence of Dad's name is going to be very surreal, and I think that has been the one thing I didn't want to have to cope with. As it happens, it wasn't delivered as the slip that came through the door today told me 'the sender didn't pay the full postage' meaning Mum didn't put a big enough stamp on it! So, I have to go and pick it up tomorrow. We will see how that goes then.

Sat in my shed sewing today, I am still feeling very reflective about this last year. Even though it has been really bloody tough (to put it mildly), I have a lot to be extremely thankful for, and am very proud of what I have achieved, and I want to be able to take that forward into my 40th year. I do feel that slowly I am becoming a stronger person throughout all of this, and I want to be able to use that strength in a positive way.

If I can get through this, then I know I can do anything.