Our friend

You know the friend of your parents who you have always looked up to, always admired, even wanted to be like when you grow up? I've got one - someone who I have known since I was 9, someone who is just so inspiring to me, beautiful, stylish, clever, kind, caring - truly one of the best. The last time I saw her was at Dad's funeral and she was in fine form, and it was so lovely to see her, as it always was.

I saw her again today. She is dying of cancer.

I went to say hello (goodbye) because we don't know how long she has left. Plus I wanted to give my mum some support. We didn't have a chance to say goodbye to Dad, but after seeing our friend today, part of me is glad of that now. We agreed that he would have hated to have been that ill, suffering, knowing that his pain was causing us pain too. I know what happened to Dad was just unbelievable and still incredibly shocking, but I do know now that it really was the best way for him to go.

It doesn't really matter how you die, the ones left behind will always be left behind. They will always want another kiss, another hug, another smile. You are never ready to say goodbye to somebody you love. If your loved one is sick it must be so hard not knowing when it is going to happen. Not wanting to end the conversation or put the phone down after the call. Not wanting to sleep, just in case. Not wanting to leave their side. I can't imagine how much this must hurt, and in a very odd way, I do now feel lucky that we didn't have to go through that.

Death is cruel. Actually no, that's not right - life is cruel. Life puts so much on us and expects us to cope with it all. Which we do, but it is very hard. It is draining, emotionally and physically. I know that I am dealing with an extraordinarily large amount of difficulty at the moment but I also know it won't always be like this. I guess it is good preparation for the inevitable that we will all suffer at some point.

So what we all must do is make the most of each day. Of the little things. However shit things look, there must be good to be found. So I am going to keep on looking.