Last photos

I am sat here at 12.30am looking at photos of my Dad. Needless to say, I am in tears!

My Mum has come up for the night and has brought with her some pictures of the last time we were together. Which means, these photos are of the last time I saw my Dad alive. On one hand, it is lovely that this event has been captured on film. On the other hand, it is really hard for me to look at them knowing that that was the very last time we were together, and I really didn't make the most of it.

I remember the day very well. It was the Sunday after the awful accident on the M5 Taunton (three days after my Mum's 65th Birthday). There was a massive tailback and huge diversions, and we took hours to get to my parents, and almost turned back as it was so delayed.

Our relative from Australia (my Aunt Anna) was over visiting and this was the reason for our visit. It was such a lovely day - not nearly enough time spent together due to the traffic delays (but how we were thanking our lucky stars it wasn't any of us in the accident) and we had a lovely dinner, the same old family bickering and laughing, the usual.

Me, Greg, Dad & Mum - 6th November 2011

It is extremely odd now looking back thinking that was the last time I was with my Dad while he was alive. Would I have done anything differently had I known? Would I have said more? less? Did I tell him that I loved him? Did I hug him for long enough? Did he know that I loved him? Was he proud?

Since Dad has died I wonder how things would have been if we had had any warning. Others have lost their parents to cancer or illness and been given the chance to say goodbye, but does that make things easier? I don't know the answer to that, and I expect they don't either. Any way it happens it is still bloody hard to understand, or comprehend.

I would like to think that I would have told Dad all the things that maybe I didn't when he was alive. Although I am not sure what they are. Maybe you only know in that situation. All I know it that I loved him - and I told him so. And I hugged him goodbye. And I told him I would see him soon.

Which I guess I did, in a way.