Bude

We have been to Bude today.

We scattered Dad's ashes there just over 2 weeks ago, on what would have been his 66th birthday weekend. It was very emotional and difficult but a relief also. I felt it harder than the funeral - at that point you are still reeling with the shock of it all and still in complete denial and disbelief and it is such a social occasion that you aren't really sure whether it's all going to be that bad.

But this, this was hard. This was the final chapter - the 'closure', the start of the acceptance, the end of the chaos, the beginning of your new life without him. A sudden realisation that he is gone, but not totally understanding that concept, or wanting to believe it.

It was also a good thing to do - this process needed to start. We chose Bude because of the history we have there. It is very close to our hearts, having spent many many family holidays there, as children, as adults, with our own children and with family and friends too. It is beautiful there and I know Dad would be happy that we made that decision.

Going back today felt like I was going back home in a way - it was comforting. I wasn't upset today, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have been tomorrow, or next week, or last week. I just had a day when the tears didn't come. And you can't force them if they aren't there; if there is one thing that I know for sure in all of this is that there will be plenty more!