Happy?

So. A couple of days away with Greg on our own to have a bit of time to relax. We are sitting in a lovely pub in the middle of Stratford, having said goodbye to the kids, supping local ale and reading the newspaper. It is extremely rare that we have any time to ourselves without the children, away from home, work and all the stresses of life. Greg looks up, smiles and says "happy?" to me. A throwaway comment to him, a loaded question to me. Am I happy?

I am not depressed, I know that for sure. Having suffered a couple of times in recent past (I always compare depression to having a cold sore - once you have had one you are prone to others and they can pop up when you least expect them to) I know this isn't that. It is like a background sadness, something that is there, just in the periphery. Sometimes it forces itself into the forefront, but the rest of the time just lingers on in the sidelines.

I am going through the paper, reading stories and relaxing in a comfy chair with these thoughts in the back of my mind. I get to the crossword, umm and ahh over it for ten minutes or so then turn my attention to the other puzzles on the page. Sudoku first, I have always enjoyed those. I then look over a maths puzzle, something I would never usually attempt - rejecting it as too difficult. But then hear my Dad (he loved the maths puzzles) telling me it was easy 'look, there is only one answer to that bit, and then the rest is a matter of deduction' and slowly I concentrated through it, hearing his words echoing around my head. Once I have finished it (I finished it!) I feel incredibly proud with what I have done - and I realise that for the first time since his death I have heard his words and have taken advice he has given me on board. Even though it is something as irrelevant as a newspaper puzzle I see this as a momentous occasion, as it dawns on me that I have been waiting for this moment. It immediately brings tears to my eyes knowing that I can't tell him.

So. Am I happy? well, there are glimpses, but no, not yet.