Today has been a good day.
Lots of people have told me how grief comes in waves, well it really does! There is no other way to describe it and until you have experienced it you can only do as I once did - nod and 'oh yes I am sure' and feel sad for the person going through it. But it really is waves. Sometimes little ones that wash over you gradually, sometimes huge crashing ones that catch you unawares.
It is all extremely confusing and frightening and overwhelming and contradicting and all consuming. I can't really describe it any better than that. I want to talk about it all the time but I don't want to talk about it at all. I want to think about it but I do anything not to. I want to cry for days but I suck it all in and shake it off. I want to focus entirely on what I am feeling although I do anything to distract me from it. I want others to know what I am going through but I don't want anyone else to have to experience it. I want it all to go away. I really do want it all to go away, but I know it isn't going to so I have to confront it.
See what I mean? bloody confusing and frightening and overwhelming and contradicting and all consuming!
I lost my father five years ago, very suddenly and even now that wave crashes over me. Not nearly as often thankfully, but I am not sure it ever stops crashing over us.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some clarity and peace soon
Zoe
xx
Zoe, I am so sorry for your loss. Just saying to another friend how often it happens but it is such a taboo subject to speak about that we very rarely do. Thank you so much for your comment and your support. Big hugs xxxx
ReplyDeleteYes, I do see what you mean. Even more than ten years later, it still catches me sometimes. Silly things, little things, the "Dad would like to hear about that" moments...
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier, slowly and gradually. Grief is one of the things in life that we have to just "go through" and can't give to others to do for us. Talking about it does help - sometimes - so does just ignoring it and getting on with life - sometimes.
We still have to live our own life, even though it has changed in some fundamental way. We still have to do what must be done - work, home life, children, whatever.
And we still have to have fun, enjoy things, be happy. That is important to remember - don't allow yourself to give in to that little sneaking voice that suggests it's wrong to have any fun or happiness, that all should be grey, grey, grey and grief. That little voice is lying - you are still here and you are still you.
When the waves crash, let them if you want to (and if you can). But remember that a crashing wave only lasts a few moments. You are soaked by it, but it goes over you and you are still there afterwards - maybe a little different - but still there and still you.
After a while, the waves quieten to smaller ones, that lap at your feet and the storm has gone over and the sun is out. Be happy for the sun - it is part of life and part of you. The waves are there for your memories and to help you remember. Because you should remember the good stuff - as you are trying to do; it's important and it's healthy.
I think the grief is a sort of journey which we have to make. At first it's like when you leave a place where you've been happy and you don't want to go home. Then your feelings slowly change, as you are less worried about what you have left and gradually begin to look forward, to where you are now going, back home to your normal life again. And the where-you-have-been becomes a happy memory. I wish you sunshine on your journey and wonderful memories to keep you smiling.
Lizzie, thank you so much for your message, it is lovely and just explains things so well. Obviously I am just at the beginning of this journey and you have been on it a while, so I really appreciate your words of advice and support. I think it would help others to read your message too, so thank you xxxx
ReplyDeleteOh, you are so welcome! I am glad you were pleased to read it.
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